Some things I have to hold close to my chest

I had about a thousand words written in a newsletter, but I don’t think I’m sending that one.

There was nothing wrong with it exactly, but there are just some things that I want to keep for myself, and that includes some of the nerdiest stuff I do. Plus, I didn’t want to promise extra writing with the school year so close. I think I’m getting more and more nervous about the school year resuming—or, rather, the summer ending.

For my whole life, even before the Internet—although being online has definitely sharpened it—I’ve been afraid of what other people think. I have a compulsion to be perfect, and while I’m sanding down some of those instincts as it relates to performance and grades, it definitely exists when it comes to how others perceive me. If I align myself with something, what will people think? And this prevents me from enjoying things I genuinely like. But I’ve started to go back to those things I genuinely like and find a community that I align with that still embraces it, some disagreements aside. Because I’m an adult and I understand complexity!

Over for (free!) Patreons I wrote about how I’m spending less time on social media, and this is helping my self-consciousness greatly, I think. One thing I’ve been doing instead is spending time editing old(er) TV episodes on Wikipedia, which is a thing I did a great amount when I was in middle and early high school. It helps to look at something historicized, I guess, although it can be quite addicting so I am trying to manage this re-found hyperfixation, too. Anyway, you can see work I’ve done here and here.

I have also been fretting over my commitment to writing, as per usual… I have been working through some exercises from Writing in the Dark by Jeannine Ouellette (I have a paid subscription right now). My problem is I get too focused on the product and publication than the actual writing. So it has helped to have something jog my creativity, but also, I’m not putting the pressure on myself to do the ones that don’t click. I don’t want to feel like I have an assignment. I want the focus to be on creativity.

Apparently it isn’t unusual for teachers to start to get anxious about the start of the school year a couple of weeks before. But I still think it is a little different for me, because this is my first year returning to the same school. There is still a part of me that believes no matter my evaluation and contract and the good note I left on that everything can be taken away from me again—especially because I am in the hypomanic state (although much more treated) I was when I had to leave teaching the first time three years ago.

Fortunately, I just got my official schedules and class lists, so it feels more real. In fact, I’m a little excited? But it does mean that I’m shifting to some prep work. Specifically, I am doing my due diligence at reading IEPs and making lists of the accommodations and modifications my students will need. I like it because I get to know the students more! I have several that I am familiar with from last year, so I’m looking forward to seeing them grow.

Ephemera

• I got tickets to see Julien Baker in NYC! I have been wanting to see her solo for three years but the timing and location just never worked out. I’m so glad it was easy to snag tickets.

• I’m also seeing yet another production of Next to Normal, one of my favorite musicals, soon, at Barrington Playhouse.

• Finally almost done with my latest grad class and then I can relax. More thoughts about my relationship to being a student will be on my Patreon.

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